Monthly Archives: February 2012

Peer Pressure: Not Just for Teenagers Anymore!

After doing a Google search for “peer pressure,”  I found mostly articles about teenagers, advice from parents to teenagers, tweens and the like.  What about us suburbo-types?  Peer pressure really is about comparison:  comparing ourselves to others, then freqently finding ourselves coming up short.  When we do this, our “monkey brain” (as my occupational therapy colleague calls it) takes over.  Monkey brain is assuming the negative, jumping straight to conclusions without intermediate steps.  Take this morning at yoga…

I took my usual 8am yoga Saturday class, and there were announcements that the 10am class was full after the sign-up had been filled to capacity (so you know, there is not usually a pre-sign up for class, nor is it usually completely filled).  I wondered what was going on, and I read a posting in the locker room that said there was a postural clinic available with this class.  I went straight to monkey brain… Why didn’t I know about this, I’m here at least three times a week?  Who was invited?  Why wasn’t I?  What am I missing?  They must not like me.  Why don’t they like me? Then I saw a huge stream of other yogi’s I know coming in the door.  This only intensified the monkey in my brain.  I heard that chimp screeching and jumping up and down and going into full-on histrionics.  What the hell is going on and why am I not a part of it??!!  All Zen obtained during class:  out the fucking window.

Or you may be familiar with the peer pressure from these little snippets overheard in suburbia:

“Both my kids are taking piano lessons at home.  We just really believe music should be introduced early in their lives.  Do you want the teacher’s number?”

You:  (okay, me):  My kids aren’t taking piano.  Should they be taking piano?  Are they already behind?

“Where are your kids going to (preschool, middle school, gymnastics lessons etc.)?”

You:  I haven’t even thought about this yet!  What’s wrong with me!  I have really screwed up now. 

“My last (massage, botox, facial, laser whatever) was amazing!  I feel so good!”

You:  Shit!  I look old.  That’s why they’re telling me this.  I gotta book an appointment.  Wait, I don’t have any money.  Shit!

To avoid monkey brain and the comforting assertion that we actually have some control over what happens in our lives, we attempt to straighten the fuzzy edges and smooth the wrinkly corners.   In other words, we want to be the most perfect we can be, and mistakenly think others are living the perfect life that is as yet just one treatment, class or dollar out of our reach.  Brene Brown PhD, a researcher at the University of Houston, suggests that by trying to straighten the blurry line, we are keeping meaning from our lives.  We are numbing ourselves from the discomfort of unpredictability.  She says we attempt to make the uncertain, certain.  This is obvious in the unbelievably toxic political discourse in our country:  I am right and you are wrong.  Period.  The End.  From this vantage point, how is a relevant conversation supposed to happen?  No wonder I get all sweaty if someone brings up politics in book club or while we are waiting for our kids to get out of school.  The idea of trying to get someone to your side is exhausting and potentially relationship ending.  Ick.

Brown also believes we numb ourselves of our lack of control by perfecting ourselves, or worse, our children.  For ourselves, we go in for a “mommy makeover.”  Okay, don’t even get me started on the mommy makeover terminology because I find it deplorable.  Why do we need plastic surgery simply because we are mommies?  Hey if you want plastic surgery, go right ahead but don’t suggest it’s what I deserve because I stretched my body to accommodate a baby.  That was part of the deal for me, and as far as I’m concerned it was well worth it.   As for our children, we save them far too often from struggle.  I catch myself doing this as well.  It’s not easy to see your child flail and contort against pain and conflict, but it’s how they learn.  It’s our job as parents to lovingly inform our children that life is full of challenges, and that they are worthy of the love and guidance it takes to face them.

Lastly, Brown states that we do a good amount of pretending in order to protect us from uncertainty.  We think that what we do does not affect other people.  That if we put up walls and tuck ourselves away, we are in some way protecting ourselves from the big bad outside world, and from all the pressures that weigh on us.  Actually, what we do has a huge effect on the community at large.  In light of all this, let’s kick this baby into gear and figure out how to live a “whole-hearted” (Brown’s term) life.  This means living without shame, not being afraid to be flawed and releasing pre-conceived notions about what you or your children should be.  She suggests we do the following:

1.  Show up.  Let yourself be seen.  Be vulnerable and open to not being perfect.  You can compare yourself to others if you want, just be aware you may stumble and fall.  Isn’t it comforting to know that even if you screw up, that will lend itself to making you feel like a more authentic you?  That your failures and missteps are in fact badges of honor?  Think about the last insprirational book you read or movie you saw.  Was it about someone who got everything they wanted and was a master of everything?  I know you, you are way more complex than that.  Even Rocky got his ass kicked.

2.  Love with your whole heart.  Open yourself to new experiences and people.  Stop thinking you have to hold back.  Your brain becomes stronger each time you do something new.  More neurons not only fire but are created.  Think of it as your defense against Alzheimers. (Okay, I don’t know if that’s totally true.)  I remember being told in occupational therapy school that you shouldn’t get too attached to your patients, that you shouldn’t cross boundaries and always maintain professionalism.   All very valid points.  But I can’t help telling my little kiddos at work that I love them and give them hugs and kisses.  They’re just so beautiful, I can’t help it!

3.  Practice gratitude and joy.  There are great ideas for these everywhere.  Create a “no technology” day where you just spend time together outside.  For Christmas this year, we did a gratitude chain.  We shared things we were grateful for at the end of every day.  It got long enough to hang all the way around the Christmas tree a couple times.  Do your scrapbook, make a quilt, take the dog for a walk; whatever makes you smile.  Email me ideas, I’d love to hear them.

4.  Believe you are enough.  Because you are.

Peer pressure is partly our brain’s way to try and win the race and conform to groupthink.  But it doesn’t have to be.  It’s nice to know that there are ways to overcome monkey brain and the seething judgment it inflicts on both ourselves and other people.  Imagine the lessons it will teach you and your children.

Now if only I knew what was going on at that fucking yoga studio…

Tell Me Your Story

As my friend Tami says with a shrug, “Everybody’s got their story.”  She’s right.  Our stories define us and make us who we are.  I am curious.  Who are you?  What is YOUR story?  What about your story gets to the truth in me?

In her exquisite TED talk “The Power of Vulnerability,” Brene Brown calls stories “data with a soul.”  She expresses beautifully what it is to live with ordinary courage, walk through life without “numbing” and live a “whole-hearted” life.  As a social worker, researcher and a consummate type-A personality, she realized that to live a full life, you have to be vulnerable.   What does it mean to be vulnerable anyway?  It means you must be willing to put yourself out there and put it all on the line.  Like when I told my husband (then boyfriend) I loved him.  First.  And he took 6 weeks to say it back.  It’s the willingness to say, ”Fuck it, I am going to give it a shot.”  Sometimes you fail, and fail again.  Converting the narrative from failure to new opportunity is an expression of vulnerability.   To be vulnerable, you have to tell and live your story.  Brene Brown calls this a sense of worthiness.  By the way, all the times you stumble or screw up, those are the gifts of imperfection.  How liberating is that?   If you don’t see the bumps in the road as gifts, you run the risk of becoming disconnected and shameful.  But here’s the rub: in our society, it’s not okay to allow yourself to be exposed.   You’re supposed to have your shit together all the time.

So anyway.

What’s your story?  How has it shaped you?  And therefore, shaped our community?  I want to hear it.  Of course you know, if I hear it, I am going to tell it.  Being ready to tell your story is a step forward and I hope you will consider it.  Suburbo-types is a place of genuine care and will be a safe place to store the story of you.  Send me a note if you are interested!  I can print your name or not, it’s entirely up to you.  In a world of polarizing voices, trying to slow the aging process and pretending that what we do doesn’t matter, I’d like to change the conversation.  And I would like to start with you.  Are you in?

Innie vs. Outie

No, it’s not about bellybuttons!

On the cover of the February 6th issue of TIME magazine, I read the title, “The Power of Shyness.”  Wow.  That was a breath of fresh air.  My whole life, shyness has been equated with shame.  When I would cling on to my mother’s leg, she would say, “Oh she’s just shy.”  In college, my throat would thicken when speaking in front of a group as small as 8 or ten people.  My face could be counted on to turn a shade of crimson and my neck would explode into horrific blotches.  While my peers were getting attention for being brave and fun, I was exhausted at the mere thought of a large party.  At parties, I would go to the bathroom not just to pee, but to be in solitude for a moment so I could recharge my battery.  Turns out, this is all perfectly normal. (*sigh of relief here*)

As many as 35% of us are introverts.  Introverson does not necessarily mean shyness.  Shyness is associated with fear and anxiety while introversion is just a preference for being alone or in small groups.  In our culture, where bigger, faster and louder are seen as better, being an introvert can seem very unappealing.  However, introverts make more deliberative and thought-out decisions, are better at listening, better able to focus intently and are more faithful partners.  Introverts have fewer relationships overall, but those they do have tend to be deeper and more rewarding.  Extroverts, while gregarious and enjoyable to be around are risk takers, more likely to be hospitalized and pay less attention to the inner voice that says, “danger!”

Here in the ‘burbs, the socialization that occurs revolves around things like parties, happy hours, meetings, book clubs and classes.  You may know or have met people who seem like they don’t want to talk to you, or seem stuck up or unfriendly.  This can all just be a result of an introversion.   We tend to stay in the background, quiet our voices or somehow keep a low profile.  There is evidence that introverts simply have a low threshold for noise and other types of stimulation.  Introverts can often be overlooked, they may even want to be overlooked, preferring instead to gain some much desired alone time.  So that person in the back of the room that is not in the middle of the action may be just where they want to be.

For all of us introverts, pushing throught the discomfort is a challenge.  For those of you trying to be our friends and get to know us as neighbors, bear with us.  It could take a long time for us to open up to you, and it certainly doesn’t mean we don’t like you.  And for those of us raising introverts, be patient and accepting.  Give those little introverts a heads-up on what you will be doing and experiencing.  A healthy dose of preparation can go a long way to making an introvert embrace new people and adventures.

Authentically connecting with another person is ultimately what I want out of life.   I have learned to will myself through my shy tendencies because I know what I will find on the other side.  Introverts, rejoice!  You have the power!  Maybe I should have a t-shirt made that says,  “Powerful Introvert.”  Yes, I like that.

Are You Contagious?

In this world of heightened economic instability, so many of our friends, neighbors and family members are suffering.  They are scared and unhappy about having to work longer hours, be in fear for their jobs and make sacrifices to maintain financial solvency.  It should come as no surprise that our community is anxious and feeling the ship of normalcy list perilously against the tide.  How then, are we to come to their aid, when the rest of us are worried about our paychecks too?  Could it be as simple as being hopeful in the face of despair?  Can we influence our community with our own resolute assertion that things will work out?  Maybe.

In his groundbreaking book, “Connected,” and in his TED Talk, Nicholas Christakis (and co-author James Fowler) postulate that ideas, behaviors and emotions spread through social networks.   The degree to which these spread depends on your location within that network.  To be clear, good and bad spread through social networks like contagions.  Obesity, smoking, drinking, loneliness and depression all spread through social networks.  But so do happiness, inventiveness and altruism.  This news came as bittersweet to me.  Okay, so we can counteract some of the negative feelings and behaviors others may be having in unsure times.  But is that enough?  I say, let’s generate our own “quiet riot” of hope.

Things I can spread in my daily life in suburbia:

1.  Humor.  A good laugh is like a flu shot.  It’s preventative against all kinds of ills and just bad ju-ju.  You don’t have to walk up to a person who just got laid off and tell them a joke.  Just tell a joke, and let the social network do it’s job.

2.  Hope.  On 9/11/01, my husband and I brought home our first baby from the hospital.  It was incredibly stressful, but we rented Spinal Tap and talked and sat outside in the sun.  It was hard not to feel disrespectful, attempting to ignore the obvious, but it gave me hope that normalcy would return.  Small joys are underrated.

3. Give.  Give money?  If you have it.  Give time? Yes.  Give of yourself?  Absolutely.  It’s a proven fact that altruism spreads through communities.  That could mean a granola bar from your car to a homeless guy sleeping under a tree.  Or it it  could mean playing Wii with your child instead of checking your email.   It could mean going to a PTA meeting or bringing a meal to a neighbor that just had a baby.  In suburbia, our social networks will vibrate with a pay it forward attitude.

4.  Accept.  It’s not for me to judge anyone for needing help.  What’s so wrong with being vulnerable?  Our culture values independence, great!   But I’d like to put in a plug for being stuck in a shitty place in life.  From this place, my most vital life lessons were learned.  When your life sucked, how did your life trajectory change?  Did blaming help?

5.  Listen.  Someone has an idea, a complaint, a worry.  Your friend’s husband just took a 25% paycut.  Your neighbor’s mortgage is underwater.  Your friend’s financial worries are impacting her marriage.  They want to talk about it.  Shut up (I’m talking to myself here, too).  Listen.

6. Respect.  I hear so much talk about people finding their passion in their work, finding a job you love,etc.  Have you ever had a crappy job?  Of course it sucks, but there is dignity in any job that allows you to provide for your family, afford a good happy hour and gives you countless stories to tell your friends.  Sometimes you have to go to work full time at a job you hate and suck it up. There are so many jobs out there that would be really difficult for me to do, given my abilities and limitations.  A teacher, a postal worker, a computer programmer, a salesperson, a garbage collector, a carpet layer, a septic tank cleaner, a manufacturing job, etc., etc…  All of these jobs have taken a hit in the economy, in the media or in our stereotypes of what kind of person may do this type of work.  Fuck it.  These people work their asses off, and are doing the real work.  To them I say:  Thank you for doing a thankless job.  There is honor in what you do.  And if you can’t find a job, I respect your desire to get one.

This is an evolutionary advantage to social networks.  The more you have, the better your life is likely to be.  The collective influence of the whole network makes the sum greater than it’s parts.  Christakis believes that social networks are “fundamentally related to goodness,” which gives me tremendous hope.  We can make it together, without judgment.  Our suburban social network is ready for the lift.

For Deborah.

It’s gonna be alright.

My T-Shirts

It occurs to me that when I am in different places within that place I call home, suburbia, I wish other people knew what I was thinking.  Maybe I am preoccupied with a conversation I am having.  Or I am angry about being cut off after being on hold for twenty minutes.  Frequently, I am just afraid to say what’s on my mind.  With all this discussion about the brain and social networks, I wonder why I hold some of these things back.  (Honestly, some of them actually should be held back).  Here is what my t-shirts would say in some completely random or maybe not so random sites:

At the gym:

Do not talk to me unless you already know me.  Even then, let’s keep it brief.

At the yoga studio:

I am not being standoff-ish.  This is one of the few times I have for myself and I value the silence.

At a meeting for a charity organization:

What I have to say is important, even if I do not speak for long and sometimes my face gets red.

When I come home from work:

I love you all, but I have been giving and giving and giving and I just need to sit down under a blanket.  Making dinner is the last fucking thing in the world I want to do right now, but I will do it , dammit.

At the supermarket:

No, I am not going to take off my sweats and put on make-up.  To be here.  With you.

With my close friends:

I couldn’t live without you.   You are my lifeline to the world.

With people I want to be my friends:

I may say something silly and my face might get red and I hope I am not trying too hard.  Will you be my friend?  I really think you are pretty cool.

With people who are friends but not necessarily confidantes:

I am still a little nervous around you.  I don’t quite trust you yet.  Bear with me.  You are super duper and I like you.

At a party:

Parties make me a little uncomfortable, I prefer smaller groups.  But this is really fun.  Let’s talk about something amazing.

In a confrontational situation:

Eek.  Get me out of here.  I hate confrontation, but I will kick your ass if need be.

On my bike:

Lalalalalala….love, wind and speed!!!

During my period/premenopause/other hormonal shifts:

Stay. the. fuck. away.  Come close I need you!

At work:

I wish I could do something more than I do to help you.  I want to know more about you, but I don’t want to pry.

With my husband (really too many to put right here):

I need some space right now.  Even though I seem bitchy, it really has nothing to do with you.  You are my safe place to land, and sometimes that means you get the worst of me.  You are the best man I have ever known.

With my sisters:

You are entirely different than me, and I am baffled that we grew up in the same house.  Sometimes I can be a know-it-all, and I am sorry.  I love you.

With my dog:

You are so human. Thanks for worshipping me.  Sorry I forgot to feed you breakfast.

With my children (again, too many to mention):

I may be yelling right now, or on the computer, or reading the paper, or writing.  But you are always my priority and I will never stop loving you completely, desperately and with all my heart.  And please, for the love of God, I do not want to play ”Sorry” again.

To all my communities and all my social networks:

I need you.